Teen Thump

What’s your favorite color?

Puke yellow.

 

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

A dead one.

 

Favorite Partridge moment?

Are you kidding? 

 

Favorite Partridge song?

OK, now I know you’re kidding!  Partridge songs suck – I just do it for the sex and drugs – plus it’s a condition of my parole.

 

Why the drums?

They’re the loudest and most annoying, aren’t they?  Besides, they’re the only instrument that can drown out Danny’s endless monologues.

 

What do you do for fun?

Anything and anyone I can get my hands on.

 

What’s it like playing with your brother and sister?  

Sheer hell. 

 

What do you like best about Laurie?

Her willingness to support the indigenous agrarians of South America and Southeast Asia by keeping me supplied with the fruits of their labors.  And her willingness to transport Schedule C narcotics in her various orifices.

 

And Danny?

He has a cool old Vox amp.  Um, yeah, really cool amp.

 

What do you like about playing in the Danny Partridge Experience?

Well it beats prison – not by much – but since it’s a condition of my parole, I’m kinda stuck.  Besides, it ticks off Danny, which counts for something.

 

Describe your first kiss?

It was with this girl that Danny had a huge crush on.  I wasn’t even interested in girls at that point—but I knew it would drive Danny crazy.  And it did, of course.

 

Describe your first girlfriend?

Danny’s “girlfriend” Gloria Hickey and I used to make out regularly.  She’s send him out to get her a soda or something – and we’d dry hump like bunnies on the couch until we heard him returning.  He caught us a few times – but we claimed we were just wrestling over the remote.  The funny thing is – our tv didn’t have a remote – but Danny was too dumb – or more likely, too hard up for girlfriends – to argue.

 

What do you notice first about a girl?

Needle tracks.

 

Describe what kind of girl you like?

One with looks, money, and great drugs – not necessarily in that order, of course.  In fact, if the drugs are good enough, I’m flexible on the other two.

 

What celebrity could you see as your dream mate

I used to think it would be Courtney Love – Rich, bitchy, and a druggie – and with a bit more plastic surgery, you wouldn’t even need a blindfold to bed her.  But then I worked for her as an au pair – and as bad as she looks in the paparazzi photos, you should see her first thing in the morning.  Besides, she was really uptight about that Ebay thing.

(Editor’s note- Tiring of the child’s incessant demands for attention and solid food, Chris attempted to sell Courtney’s daughter, Frances Bean, on Ebay.  Courtney soon learned of the listing, leading to Chris’ sudden departure from the household.)

 

So now I’m on to Whitney Houston – Beautiful, rich, and a major druggie – what more can you ask?

 

Describe your dream date when you were 10, 20, and 35?

Age 10

We steal vodka from her parents’ liquor cabinet, along with cigarettes from her mom’s purse and spray paint from the garage, then head over to the San Pueblo high school football field, where we proceed to drink, smoke, and huff until we pass out.

 

Age 20

We steal her roomie’s stash of Mexican gold, along with a few tabs of acid and a white powder of unknown origin, then head over to the San Pueblo Community College football stadium, where we proceed to smoke, swallow, and snort our way to unconsciousness.

 

Age 35

We raid her husband’s stash of Oxycontin and Ativan, along with a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a half-ounce of Canadian superweed, then head over to the San Pueblo Holiday Inn, where we proceed to drink, swallow, and smoke until the intoxicants run out or hubby comes home, whichever comes first.

Catching up with Chris Partridge

* The “h” is silent

The Danny Phartridge Expherience*